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15 Tips for Talking to your Kids About Sex

As a sexologist, I often get questions from parents who want to discuss relationships and sexuality with their kids, but are not sure the best way to do this. Depending on how you grew up, these kinds of talks can be easy for some as parents, downright scary, or somewhere in between.

Parents need to address these issues with their kids and teens for a multitude of reasons.

Firstly, all kids, if they will be sexually active, are at risk for life altering infections, as well as pregnancy. And whether or not our kids are sexually active, they are also at risk for having their hearts broken, or hurting others. But the risks aside, relationship education is really about quality of life. Most people have a desire to date, experience intimacy, and couple off. This requires skills (that often come from experience), and some kids are naturally better at closeness than others. But we can all use a little guidance in this department.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

15) You can’t do this wrong. Many parents fear that they might say too much or say the wrong things. But…sex is everywhere! This will not be news to our kids. However, they may have a lot of misinformation. Our job is to correct their misinformation and make sure they have what they need to make informed choices. In other words, unless you are telling them blatant mistruths, you can’t do this wrong!

14) Talking to kids about sex does not lead them to have sex. It is actually the opposite. The research is clear. Those teens, whose parents talk openly to them about sexuality, are less likely to begin sex at earlier ages. End of discussion.

13) Know when to say you don’t know. We all get questions we don’t know the answer to. Sexuality is no different. But because we live in a culture where we talk about sex a lot (actually joke about it more), there is a tendency to believe you should have all the answers. If you do not know an answer to your child’s question, then say that, and go and look it up from a reliable source and get back to them. You will be modeling for them that it is okay not to have all the answers and that learning is a life long process.

12) Be aware of what you are modeling. Kids see what we do. They are always watching even if they look like they are not. Messages that contradict what we as adults do in life, do not gel with kids. If we say one thing, and do another, then this will dismiss our message. Make sure your messages are consistent with your own actions.

11) Parents should pass on their values. It is the home and from caregivers that children and teens learn about values. While they are also influenced by culture, religion, friends and other areas of life, they will always look to their parents first. Don’t be afraid to discuss what you feel is right and wrong when it comes to relationships and sexuality. And it is good for kids to know how their parents feel about intimate relationships and what they would like to see for them.

10) Children of all ages need boundaries. It is in part, one way kids feel safe and protected. While teens may try to push the boundaries as they are moving farther away into independence, it is important to remember that they do feel cared for when they know what the limits are. Sexuality is no different.

9) Don’t judge your kids. This is a hard one! But sexuality is a very personal experience. Some parents may be comfortable with their children’s sexuality, and others are obviously not. Keep an eye open for sexually acting out and breaking limits, which could indicate a larger issue at hand. All behavior is communicating something. Try to figure out what your child is saying with their behaviors, and keep an open mind about how he/ she is expressing themselves.

8) Create a safe space. What this means is be the person that they can come to without feeling judged, or the potential for punishment. By opening conversations, and listening to our kids without consequences, they learn that they can come to us with their questions and possible problems. Another way we model this is by how we react to others and their sexuality. While we do pass on our values, take the time to reflect on what messages you really want your kids to get. Be aware of what you say and how you respond to issues of sexuality when they come up in life. In other words, what do you want your kids to believe?

7) Use media a tool. There is a tremendous amount of sex in our every day media. Whether it be television, movies, magazines or the internet… sex is literally everywhere. Use this as a tool to your advantage. When an image or scenario comes up, take the time to broach the subject with your kids. Ask your child what they would do if it was them in that situation? Or if it was someone they knew in the picture? Or if they have friends who have had a similar experience? Sometimes discussing friends is a less direct way of approaching a subject and can give answers in the same way as if it were your child because teens are so heavily influenced by their peers at this age.

6) Have many smaller talks. Relationship education is a process. Like learning about any other complex skill. Many parents believe they need to have one big sit down talk. Usually before a large event like graduation. But this kind of education works best when it is done in smaller chunks, over an extended amount of time. The point here is that more is better. Repeat often, use the opportunities presented to you, create your own opportunities for discussion, and keep the talks shorter.

5) Start young. The earlier the better. All young children should know the correct names for their body parts, who is and is not allowed tor see them naked or touch them, and about respect for our bodies and those of others. All children also need to know about feelings and how our actions can impact how other people feel. That is the short foundational list. From there, we can scaffold the information and build onto it as they grow and need to know more.

4) Use humor. Sex and sexuality can be funny. It doesn’t need to be a serious subject all the time. While there are serious elements, try to be lighthearted which helps children feel more at ease with their own bodies and feelings. This will also help positively impact their sense of sexual self esteem.

3) Show love for your children. Intimacy is about the ability to show love and act in loving ways towards someone else. Children need to learn how to show and accept love. Parents are sometimes afraid as their children move into their teens to continue to show this love in demonstrative ways. Adolescence is a fragile time. What teens need most is to know that they are special, that they are seen, that they matter, and that they are cool/ beautiful/ desirable. Children, whose parents send them positives messages about their bodies, their personalities, and their abilities, tend to have children who believe them. Unfortunately children who grow up with the opposite also believe those to be true too.

2) Silence is a message. When issues arise and a parent remains quiet, there is still a message given. Typically children will process silence as a negative; either something is too threatening to discuss, or the parent disapproves. The child’s perception here is what is key.

1) Don’t lie. Sometimes parents give part truths or omit things because they feel that their children should not know, or would not be able to handle it. The problem occurs when the child finds out the truth about a particular issue or question, and then distrusts the parent as a result. As part of keeping the channels of communication open, it is better for a parent to tell their child that they are not comfortable discussing something in detail, or do not feel they are old enough yet. Parents can have boundaries as well.

And the number one question I get asked is when is the best time to discuss relationships and sexuality. My answer is while doing something else.

Depending on your child, a face to face sit down conversation may not work well. This is why doing this as a part of another activity can be more successful. Discussions can be had during preparations for dinner, while out walking the dog, or in the car driving. Any situation that does not force eye contact and can be done while doing something else tends to be the most relaxed and natural.

Relationships and sexuality can be confusing for everyone. Discussing these issues can at times be awkward and uncomfortable. But most children and teens want to know. And despite their rolling of the eyes, hand stop movements and headphone wearing…. kids are listening. They hear what we say. And most importantly they watch. They see what we do. We must model for our children the kind of intimate relationship we hope for them. Because when they grow up, that is what will feel normal to them. And that is what they will search for.

SexEd Mart offers a variety of tools to help teach children about puberty, hygiene, sexual health, relationships, consent, and more. Fun activity kits and colourful, easy-to-read sequence cards help children learn and think about these uncomfortable topics in a more approachable way. SexEd Mart also offers resources for teachers and clinicians.

 

Author

Stephanie Mitelman, MA, CSE, CFLE
Certified Sexuality Educator
Member of the Order of Sexologists of Quebec
Certified Family Life Educator
Part Time Faculty, Concordia University
Stephanie Mitelman has been Part Time Faculty at Concordia University since 2005, in the Department of Applied Human Sciences. She teaches courses on human sexuality, diversity in human relations, and family life education. Stephanie is a Member of the Order of Sexologists of Quebec, an AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, and a Certified Family Life Educator with the National Council of Family Relations. Stephanie trains schools, boards, organizations, and therapists across North America on working with individuals with diverse needs, and has written and published several resources for teachers at www.sexedmart.com Stephanie also sees clients in her private practice, working with individuals with autism, on issues of gender, sexuality, safety and healthy relationships.

How to Teach Sexual Health: Tips for for New Teachers

Sexual health education is a sensitive topic that can bring up feelings of discomfort, fear, and shame for both students and teachers. It might be your first time teaching sexual health or the first time students are discussing this topic. It is important for you to set ground rules for these lessons, discussions, and activities. The consistent presence of these rules at the beginning of each sexual health lesson helps build trust and establishes a framework for a positive classroom experience. Here are some tips.

Use of Language and Vocabulary

It is important to be mindful of the language you use during lessons. Use correct terminology and avoid slang. For example, say penis, not dick. If you are comfortable, you can use terms that your students are using, but it is advised to do so only after the “real” or clinical term has been introduced. You can say “people also refer to it as…”. This will help students understand the many words that exist for the same thing, and is especially helpful for the concrete thinkers in the room.

Heteronormativity

When it comes to language, often heterosexuality is assumed and words such as marriage, premarital sex, girlfriend, and boyfriend are the dominant narrative. Students who do not identify as straight may not feel included and safe if their reality is not being acknowledged. Instead, use terms that are more gender-neutral, such as partner, to include everyone and all relationships.

Disclaimers: Addressing Sensitivity

Talking about sex can evoke at times uncomfortable feelings, and this can translate into chatter and laughter in the classroom. This is especially true for younger students. Talk about the discussion before it happens. Let students know that it may feel awkward because we don’t discuss these issues often, and that it is normal to feel uncomfortable at times when talking about sexuality. Keep in mind that certain topics are more likely to create more laughter (from discomfort) than others, such as masturbation, BDSM, sex toys, and even sometimes homosexuality. In addition, you can also remind students that if they have any additional questions or concerns about any of the topics raised, they can come see you (or write to you) in private.

Promote Respect and Safety

As in most classrooms, ask students to raise their hand before speaking and to listen and not interrupt when others are speaking. Remind students to be mindful that everybody has a different lived experience, identity, and point of view. All questions are welcome, as long as they are asked in a respectful manner. If a student is made fun of or laughed at by another student, it is essential for the teacher to not tolerate rude or negative comments in the class, especially towards another person. If you let it go, your students will get the message that this behaviour is okay, and it will likely continue. Respect is crucial for all students and the teacher at all times. This is not negotiable.

Privacy and Confidentiality

Encourage students to ask questions and participate. However, it is suggested that these questions not be focused on specific personal issues, or telling stories about people in the class that others know about. In other words, ask students not to use names in their questions, or experiences that others know about.

It is also important to let students know that they should not be asking you personal questions about your experiences or beliefs. It is also perfectly acceptable for you not to answer something asked, and to take a break and switch to another topic for a time.

Remaining Objective

As a teacher, you are not expected to answer personal questions about yourself, and you should also avoid imposing your own values onto your students as the ones to follow. Each person has a set of values based on their upbringing, religion, family, and experiences, and what might be right for one, may be wrong for another. You need to be objective while teaching sexual health education. You can help students understand how they feel about certain issues, as long as the issue is not against the law, nor hurting themselves or someone else.

Saying You Don’t Know

Sexual health is a layered subject and it is normal to not have the answers to all questions. It is encouraged to tell students “I don’t know and will get back to you.” It can sometimes be hard to admit when you don’t know an answer, but it is especially important to do so when discussing a topic like sexual health. It is then crucial to return to your students when you do have the answer and with appropriate resources.

The Anonymous Question Box

One way to encourage students to ask their questions in a non-intimidating or threatening way is to create an anonymous question box. It allows students to ask questions anonymously. You can leave the box out somewhere in the classroom and students can drop questions inside anytime. Try to remember to check it frequently!

A variation of this would be to have students write down a question and submit it to you directly. You could also ask students to make a paper airplane and fly it to you, or ball it up and throw it to the front of the classroom. There are many variations! But the trick is that everyone needs to send a paper, even if it is blank. This way, no one can know who wrote or didn’t write questions! This makes the activity safer for people to participate in.

Have fun!

Authors

Stephanie Mitelman, MA, CSE, CFLE
Certified Sexuality Educator
Member of the Order of Sexologists of Quebec
Certified Family Life Educator
Part Time Faculty, Concordia University
Stephanie Mitelman has been Part Time Faculty at Concordia University since 2005, in the Department of Applied Human Sciences. She teaches courses on human sexuality, diversity in human relations, and family life education. Stephanie is a Member of the Order of Sexologists of Quebec, an AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, and a Certified Family Life Educator with the National Council of Family Relations. Stephanie trains schools, boards, organizations, and therapists across North America on working with individuals with diverse needs, and has written and published several resources for teachers at www.sexedmart.com Stephanie also sees clients in her private practice, working with individuals with autism, on issues of gender, sexuality, safety and healthy relationships.

Meaghan Pawlowsky
Meaghan Pawlowsky has a Bachelor’s degree from Concordia University in Interdisciplinary Studies in Sexuality and Psychology. She is a Somatica® trained sexuality and relationship coach and sees clients privately. She is incredibly passionate about accessibility and inclusivity in sexual health education, and emphasizes connections between the body and mind for all.

Video: Questions Answered by Stephanie Mitelman: A Certified Sexual Health Resource Provider

In this engaging video, we introduce you to Stephanie, a knowledgeable and certified sexual health resource provider based in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Stephanie is passionate about promoting sexual health, education, and well-being. Join us as we embark on an enlightening conversation where Stephanie will address your burning questions and provide valuable insights into various aspects of sexual health.

As a certified expert in the field, Stephanie possesses a wealth of knowledge and experience in addressing a wide range of topics related to sexual health. Whether you have questions about contraception, STIs, relationships, consent, LGBTQ+ issues, or any other aspect of sexual well-being, Stephanie is here to provide you with accurate information, guidance, and support. Throughout the video, Stephanie’s warm and approachable demeanor creates a safe and non-judgmental space for viewers to ask questions openly and candidly. Stephanie’s expertise extends beyond mere information-sharing; she understands the importance of empathy, respect, and inclusivity in discussing sensitive topics and aims to foster a positive and supportive environment for all viewers. With Stephanie’s guidance, you can gain a deeper understanding of sexual health, debunk common myths, and learn practical tips for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sexual life. Stephanie’s commitment to providing evidence-based information ensures that you receive accurate and up-to-date insights.

Whether you’re a curious individual seeking knowledge or someone looking for guidance on specific sexual health concerns, this video is for you. Stephanie’s expertise and passion shine through as she answers your questions, offers valuable resources, and provides practical advice tailored to your needs. Don’t miss this opportunity to learn from a certified sexual health resource provider in Montreal, Quebec. Join Stephanie in this engaging and informative video as she shares her expertise, addresses your questions, and helps you navigate the fascinating world of sexual health. Watch now to expand your understanding and enhance your overall well-being.

Sexuality through the Senses

15 Ways Disordered Sensory Processing Affects Intimacy

Disordered sensory processing can affect individuals with all types of neurodivergence, including those with SPD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety, as well as people on the spectrum. While disordered sensory processing impacts many aspects of life, there is one dynamic part that is not often discussed: Intimacy!

Intimacy with a partner engages multiple and conflicting sensory systems, such as tactile (touch), vision (sight), auditory (hearing), gustatory (taste), olfactory (smell), vestibular (head position in space), proprioception (body awareness), and interoception (awareness of internal body sensations). Sensory experiences evoked during intimacy can be unpredictable and varied; people may seek out certain sensations and struggle to make sense of others. It is common for an individual to be over-responsive in one system, and under-responsive in another. Individuals with disordered sensory processing may also experience deficits in praxis and postural control – this can affect their comfortability during intimacy and ability to execute certain positions. For example, praxis involves the planning and sequencing of actions that enable individuals to maneuver their body to perform appropriately timed and controlled movement. In turn, postural control can affect someone’s ability to maintain an upright seated position, as well as support their arm and leg movement. Sexual activity involves a series of movements and motions; therefore, it’s important to understand the role of sensory-motor demands.

This article will provide a foundation for understanding the relationship between sexuality and disordered sensory processing, namely sensory-over and under-responsivity. Along with tips, tricks, and coping mechanisms, you’ll learn what to keep in mind when becoming intimate with a partner who experiences disordered sensory processing.

Sex Ed Mart Product: Academy Bundle: Sexuality and Sensory Disintegration
https://sexedmart.com/product/academy-bundle-sexuality-and-sensory-disintegration-download/
This Lecture Includes: Understanding Sensory Processing and How this may Impact Sexuality and Response, understanding the Impact of Sexuality on Various Senses, and Tips for Adapting Across the Senses.

Tactile: How can Touch affect Sexuality?

  1. Perhaps the most obvious way that disordered sensory processing can affect sexuality is through physical touch. Some individuals may dislike hugs and embraces. Others may seek out a lot of touch or intense touch experiences. Before engaging in intimacy, ask your partner about their desired touch (or lack thereof!). It’s also important to discover what kinds of touch your partner enjoys most – is a light, hard, or kneading touch preferable? A gentle massage using your partner’s touch of choice may help them ease into intimacy. Finally, try to touch your partner within their visual field. This will allow them to feel safe and understand what is occurring around them.
  1. Some individuals with disordered sensory processing may experience sensitivity to cold or warmth. This can impact the way that someone reacts to the temperature in a room or the temperature of someone’s body parts. Communicate with your partner about what temperature they are most comfortable with! Use fans, heaters, or blankets to adjust accordingly.
  1. Certain clothing, bedding, fabrics, and textures may cause your partner irritation. Experiment with outerwear, undergarments, and bedding to find what works best for you and your partner.
  1. Wetness or stickiness can feel intolerable to some individuals. During intimacy, this tactile element can come from lipstick, lip-gloss, or lubricated condoms. Luckily, this is an easy fix! Avoid wearing lip products when kissing and use non-lubricated condoms during intimacy. Alternatively, you can choose to use lubrication on the outside of the condom only!

Sex Ed Mart Product: Good Touch/ Secret Touch
https://sexedmart.com/product/good-touch-secret-touch-download/
This game will help familiarize students with what touches are considered “good” and what touches are considered an unhealthy “secret” touch.

Vision: How can Sight affect Sexuality?

  1. Bright lights may agitate individuals with disordered sensory processing during intimacy. Play around to find the best lighting for you and your partner. Try using candles, soft bedside lighting, or turn off the lights completely! Avoid engaging in intimacy directly in front of a window or another uncontrollable light source.
  1. An environment with a surplus of visual stimulation can be overwhelming and distracting. A cluttered environment can limit your partner’s ability to engage in intimacy because they are using energy to process visual inputs. For this reason, seek out clean, neutral, and minimalist spaces! In turn, assure your partner that it is okay to close their eyes during intimacy. This can help to calm their senses and allow them to focus on you, rather than the environment.
  1. Individuals with disordered sensory processing may have difficulty giving or maintaining eye contact during intimate moments. Visual input can be too much to handle! Remind your partner that this is A-okay.

Auditory: How can Hearing affect Sexuality?

  1. Background noises such as music, television, or roommates speaking next door may be distracting to individuals with disordered sensory processing. Find a quiet, private place to engage in intimacy. Avoid integrating music into the environment unless your partner suggests it!

 

  1. Loud noises from a partner (even noises of pleasure!) can startle someone with disordered sensory processing or distract them from motor planning. Ensure that your partner is comfortable with vocal engagement during intimacy. Decide which noises they like, and which ones are overwhelming or distracting!

Gustatory: How does Taste affect Sexuality?

  1. Certain flavours and tastes can be difficult to process. Flavour can come from lipstick, lip-gloss, breath mints, gum, or toothpaste. Choose flavours that your partner enjoys or avoid flavourful mouth products altogether.

 

  1. The thought of sharing saliva can be equally daunting for those with disordered sensory processing. If this is the case, you can consciously adjust your activity (such as kissing) to be dry and saliva-free.

Olfactory: How does Smell affect Sexuality?

  1. Similar to taste, strong smells can negatively affect individuals with disordered sensory processing. During intimate moments, scents of perfume, cologne, laundry detergent, or natural body odour are present. If your partner is averse to this, here are several simple solutions! Avoid strong-smelling lotions, body sprays, hair gels, deodorants and perfumes when becoming intimate with your partner. Likewise, switch to a no-scent laundry detergent. Finally, encourage the use of no-scent baby wipes or fabric cloths to clean your bodies before, during, and after intimacy.

 

Vestibular: How does Head Position in Space affect Sexuality?

  1. Some individuals with disordered sensory processing have difficulty understanding where their head is in space; they may become disoriented or sensitive to different head positions. On the other hand, they may seek out intense vestibular sensations by engaging in extreme movements and positions. While some individuals may feel more comfortable being stable and stationary, others crave motion. These factors can affect comfortability in intimate positions– communicate with your partner to discuss which positions and movements work best! Always ensure that your partner is in a stable and secure position. Remind and encourage your partner to take frequent breaks during intimacy to rebalance and re-align their body.

Proprioception: How does Awareness of Internal Body Sensations Affect Sexuality?

  1. Individuals with disordered sensory processing may exhibit uncoordinated movements, or struggle to comprehend how much force they are exerting with their muscles. They may also have difficulty understanding where their arms and legs are in relation to the rest of their body, or other’s bodies. This may make motor planning difficult. Before engaging in intimacy, clear the environment of anything that could be stumbled over. Move slowly and cautiously when being intimate. Give your partner the chance to establish their sense of body awareness!

Sex Ed Mart Product: What My Body Says Activity Kit
https://sexedmart.com/product/what-my-body-says-download/
This game teaches young students to look at body language and match the emotion the person is feeling which s is a critical part of all relationships.

Interoception: How does Awareness of Sensation Affect Sexuality?

  1. Individuals who struggle with interoception might have difficulty knowing when they feel hurt, tired, cold, warm, hungry, thirsty, or sexually aroused. For this reason, regular check-ins are important. Ask questions like, “are you comfortable?” and “do you want to adjust anything?”. Interoceptive awareness also impacts our ability to understand emotional regulation within ourselves and others. As individuals with disordered interoception have a hard time understanding their own body and emotional cues, they may also have difficulty reading non-verbal cues from their partners. As a partner, it is vital that you use clear and effective communication to share what is working, and what is not. If your partner is unable to verbally express their sensations, use visual cues to figure out whether your partner is hot (sweating) or cold (shivering, choosing to go under blankets).

Sex Ed Mart Product: Reading Body Language Flirting Flash Cards
https://sexedmart.com/product/reading-body-language-flirting-flash-cards-download/
These cards were designed to teach students with social impairments, to look at body language and facial expressions to interpret interests or feelings.

Sex Ed Mart Product: Universal Expressions – Faces and Body Cards
https://sexedmart.com/product/universal-expressions-faces-and-bodies-download/
These cards teach students with social impairments, about body language and facial expressions to get information about a person’s interest or feelings.

Navigating intimacy is difficult in general – but individuals with disordered sensory processing may require extra support. A great tip is to discuss the activity before engaging in it – tell your partner what to expect! Prepare them for the sensations and motor actions that they will experience. Routine and predictability can help your partner feel comfortable. Throughout the process, give your partner space to regulate themselves and their bodies. Understanding your partner’s sensory threshold is also important for successful intimacy. A shared understanding of boundaries, likenesses, and differences will contribute to a safe and enriching intimate experience.

Katja Kathol, M.Ed Candidate and Sexual Health Consultant
As an advocate for diversity and inclusion, Katja is dedicated to enriching sexual health for equity-seeking populations through digital publishing and e-Learning. Katja works to critically examine barriers to sexual education and lead strategies that support healthy relationships and body image. To better inform her writing and practice, Katja is currently pursuing a Master of Educational Psychology at McGill University. To contact her, email .

 

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